STEP 4 - Identify the Decision Maker

Making this Step 4 instead of Step 3 is a very cruel trick on our part, but we are now separating the wanna be's from the will be's. If you cannot find out who the person is at the studio / filmmaking organization who actually purchases scripts, then you have wasted the $1,200 you put out for a power suit in Step 3.

If you are now only out 100 bucks, then you'd better limit your pitching to The Birthday Network (All Clowns, All the Time). "Anyone not willing to risk all to achieve their dreams, will never dream their achievements too risky to be willing," said Teddy Roosevelt, after a bad fall, having just said "Speak softly, but carry a big stick", which is another lesson I have found useful - substituting "criminal lawyer" (is there any other kind?) for "big stick."

Filmmakers are very busy people, and they do not want to spend time with you telling you how bad your script is. Top executives have developed many resourceful ways to keep you at a distance. One of the methods is to present a low level functionary as an "important person" who will listen to your pitch, then immediately forget it. Your task is to circumvent this process to get directly to the decision maker.

Not every screenwriter has the financial wherewithal to be able to travel to Hollywood or the Quad Cities to confront the challenge "mano a mano." Consequently, you will have to adopt methods that use the mail, phone, fax or e-mail. Each has its merits as well as disadvantages.

Mail - Though the mail is slow, and decidedly "old school", it offers unique opportunities. Naturally you will want to consult many on-line and other resources to learn who are the principals of whatever studio or independent organization you think is right for your pitch (see Step 2).

Snail-mail can serve as a check on this information. Send an envelope "Certified Mail, Signature Required" to the imagined decision maker by name and title. If it comes back unopened and marked a) No Such Addressee, or b) Drop Dead, Loser!, your course of action is obvious. (Note: Some advocate actually putting a letter in the envelope, asking for a meeting, inquiring about schedules and so forth, just in case it is opened and read! Ha ha!)

Here we want to set aside the notion that it is better to send missives via FedEx or DHL, on the premise that the big urgent package will get attention. Studios get stuff this way all the time, and you know what's in them - DVDs (or even video cassettes, LOL) of already completed films looking for distribution (pause for the requisite thoughts of Hell freezing over… pigs flying… Spielberg reading your script… etc.). Your message will not stand out in this crowd, it will get lost.

STEP 2 - Find the Right Studio

STEP 3 - Buy a Nice Suit

   Selling, like
   writing, is more
   art than science -
   or is it?
   (see Step 7).

Phone - Most of today's Executive Assistants are masters at dissembling and evasion, never letting callers find out anything about their bosses, whom they effectively screen from all known forms of harassment, including screenwriters, insurance salesmen, toner salesmen, male enhancement salesmen, and divorce attorneys. You could try to come up with an unknown form of harassment, but unless you are from Rigel 7 it's probably not possible. The staff at ScreenplayWire has found it best to leave the phone alone. You won't get any information that way.

Fax - As dismal as the phone is for intel gathering, the fax is as promising. There is no denying the powerful presence of a sheet of paper - it has "gravitas" (a word I learned from Dan Rather, who eats in the cafeteria at my GrandDad's retirement home. His favorite is the green Jell-o. I tried to get him to commit to either red or blue Jell-o, but he saw through my subterfuge).

The key to a successful fax is to use ALL CAPITAL LETTERS. See how effective that was! You can't help but notice how important a message is if it is written in ALL CAPITAL LETTERS. No "Executive Assistant" on earth can resist its power. Use it! Compel mere minions to act, to reveal to you the secret information. WHO IS THE DECISION-MAKER?   You might not want to be this blunt. You'll appear too powerful. After all, when you get the meeting, you don't want them expecting Brian Dennehy, and you show up all Brian Boitano.

E-mail - This may well be your strongest weapon in the fight for information. However, there are important guidelines. Powerful though they are in a fax, all capital letters do not belong in an e-mail. In fact, they are CREEPY. THEY SEEM LIKE SHOUTING! It is better to use no capital letters at all. This will take 10-20 years off your age, as no one under 25 uses capital letters anymore. It must be too hard to press the shift key down. Talk about under achievers.

A skillful e-mail campaign is relentless without becoming annoying. It is persuasive without appearing strident. It is forceful without being oppressive. And it is free without costing any money.

Now that you have that all important name, you must advance toward your goal through Step 5.